


patience

by choisans



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/M, I promise it has a happy ending, Slow Sex, also there's some cringe korean attempts, i love san too much to write a full fledged angst, i rushed this but i blame my feelings, i'm too weak to leave them out, it's romantic, lots of feelings, making up after breaking up, smut but
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-22
Updated: 2020-02-22
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:41:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22850365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/choisans/pseuds/choisans
Summary: The second your plane lands, you're not comfortable at all with the thought of your ex-boyfriend being the one who picks you up.
Relationships: Choi San/Reader
Kudos: 66





	patience

**Author's Note:**

> rip to my boyfriend but i love san more

"Ma'am, your passport?"

I snap out of my thoughts and look up to meet the gaze of a very exasperated security employee. 

"Right, sorry."

I hand her my documents and check my watch again. A whole minute passed, yet it still feels like time's gone backwards. The lady gives me my passport back and I start walking towards the exit gate. I know he's waiting for me, I wish he didn't have to drop everything at a moment's notice and come pick me up. I know my way home, I know exactly which streets to take to avoid as many people as I can. But knowing that I'll be stuck in a car with him for the next minutes makes my stomach growl, a sharp pain shooting through it. The sound of my suitcase's wheels accompanied me through the doors that slid open, welcoming me home.

Leaning on the barrier that divided the waiting area from the pathway I was supposed to take, San perked up the second my eyes met his. My heart got stuck in my throat and I feel my chest hollow out. San's shoulders twitched, as if ready to just jump the barrier but he patiently waited until I walked around, stopping at an arm's distance from him. His smile was still warm, his eyes still glimmering with love, now with stinging tears gathering at the corners. With a small step, he closed the distance between us, being again the courageous one. 

"Never thought you'd be coming back," he murmured as he pulled me into a hug, his hands brushing over my hair and over my waist. Through the thick autumn coat, his touch was burning my skin. I sank into his arms and pressed a soft kiss to his neck, nuzzling into it, my nose soothing over his freckles. 

"I promised I won't be long," I whispered back, giving in and dropping my suitcase to return his embrace. San sighed in my ear and pulled me closer.

"One year is a long time, jagiya..."

I wished my apologies could come out, I wished I could take his pain away, but his faint sobs emptied me all at once. His chest hitched against mine and I choked out a tiny whimper, at a loss for words. San pulled apart, looking worried and cupping my face, his thumbs wiping my tears away. He bent down for my suitcase and took my hand, leading me outside to the car. 

As I turned to buckle my seatbelt, San leaned over and his hands cupped my face again, pulling me into a kiss that said everything we've left unspoken since we left the terminal. How much he'd missed me, how he wanted to make things right and all the stars in the galaxy that he was ready to pick out and lay them down in front of me. I stifled yet another sob that was threatening to come out and kissed him back with whatever was left of me. 

We filled the ride home with the sounds of our heartbeats, beating to different rhythms and singing different songs. I tried to distract myself by trying to figure out what had changed in the city, but as the streetlights' glow danced over us, the city kept itself hidden. It was all the same, and yet it wasn't, all the shapes still imprinted in my memories, but defying me with just how different they wanted to appear. San pulled up in his driveway and stopped the engine with a sigh. The low buzzing of the radio snapped me back to reality and I realized this was not my apartment. 

"San, I promised my flatmate I'd be home tonight," I whispered, placing my hand on his as he removed the keys from the ignition. My hushed voice seemed to blast in the eerie silence and I wanted to just put my hands over my ears and block out everything. 

"I've already talked to her, she said she doesn't mind waiting an extra night to see you," he replied, moving his hand away from mine as if I've burned him. I followed him out of the car and up the stairs, until we reached his apartment. My stomach turned as he opened the door and gestured for me to go inside. Once again the familiar sights were making fun of me, asking me whatever was I daring to be there and I couldn't answer. I looked around, taking in the sight of the same hallway, same shoes scattered in the corner. 

I took my coat off, dropping it off in the hanger that was empty, as if waiting for me. The couch also welcomed me as I sank down between the pillows, while San fiddled around in the kitchen.

"Tea?" he called out and I nodded before realizing that he couldn't possibly see me. I told him I'd love a cup and I resumed my remembering session. The same pictures hung on the wall, and the same cracks stared me down as I fidgeted around with the zipper of my hoodie. Soon after my attempts at blocking out the familiar feelings, San came back with two mugs, steam rolling out and I caught a glimpse of them as he set them down on the coffee table.

I wanted to grab them, smash them against the wall and storm out, but I held back a sound of disdain and clamped my hands down on my cup. It was the matching set of two that I'd bought for him for his birthday, roughly two years before I left. I remember calling them an excuse to visit him more often, and his sweet laughter that filled my ears then resounded in my ears now.

San crouched down next to me, knees folded underneath himself and arms reaching for his mug. He was facing me, yet I didn't know if I could face him back. My eyes darted immediately to my tea and I watched the steam slowly raise into the air, filling my nostrils with the sweet scent of forest fruit.

"Why did you stay?" San suddenly asked, going straight to the one subject I'd been trying to avoid ever since landing. The hot cup burned my fingers but I didn't want to put it down and end my physical pain, I felt as if I deserved every sting delivered to my fingertips. 

"I liked it," the words quickly rushing out of my mouth, no intention to stop. 

"You said you needed space," San murmured after taking a sip of his tea, "but a whole ocean apart, a whole year, was that enough?"

Shivers went down my spine, threatening to turn into trembling. I could feel his eyes on me, I could feel the pain radiating from them and I knew that if I'd looked up at that second, I would've started crying. 

"Answer me, was that enough?"

San grabbed my chin and gently nudged me to look up at him. I stared at him blankly, unable to form the words. 

"I- I don't know..." 

He simply smiled at me, setting his cup down. Part of me wanted to see him angry, to have him yell at me, it would've been much easier to take on than this torture. 

"You're still unsure. I'm starting to think a whole universe apart wouldn't be enough space and a whole eternity wouldn't be enough time for you." 

His voice drilled into my brain, as low and as calm as it was. As much as I hated to admit it, there was a smidge of truth in his words. I'd been selfish, leaving everything behind and trying to start from scratch, but something was still missing. I thought I was being brave, facing the world on my own, making it alone, yet success never came, and neither did the happiness I was so desperately longing for.

"No San, it's not like that. It's so hard to explain-"

"Then don't. I never asked why you left."

My cup joined his on the table and I stood up, ready to run away yet again. Except this time, San wasn't ready to let go. His fingers wrapped around my wrist, holding me in my place, his eyes pleading with me to stay. I reached out to his grip, soothing over his knuckles with a sigh. Maybe my hopes were too high, but I closed my eyes and wished I'd never left, my heart now racing, wanting to make it all better. I grabbed San's other hand and pulled him up, his face frozen in a grimace of confusion. I took off his cap, ruffling his hair gently and slowly guided him towards the bedroom. He followed closely, not daring to ask anything anymore. I slipped out of my jeans and hoodie, immediately jumping under the covers. San was still confused as ever, but at the tap of my palm on the bed, he took off his t-shirt and joined me.

"I'm so tired," I murmured to him while sliding closer. Our bodies were apart, yet our faces were barely an inch away from each other. His warm breath tickled my skin and I wanted nothing more but to scoot my whole body closer, despite being afraid that if I'd do that, I would pretend that nothing's changed and everything is alright. 

Resonating with my thoughts, San placed a hand on my waist and pulled me tight against himself, forcing me to feel his heart beat next to my own. Fingers found their way under my t-shirt, rubbing small circles on the small of my back. I leaned in and pressed my forehead against his, still afraid to kiss him, still afraid I'd break him even more. All my thoughts discarded the moment his lips met mine on their own volition, my hands subconsciously trailing up his chest and feeling his searing hot skin.

San gently nibbled my bottom lip, sighing into my now open mouth that welcomed his tongue and once again the familiar rush of feelings hit me. With every brush of our tongues, with every finger that he dug into my waist, holding me tight, I stifled tears and sobs that were threatening to explode out of me. San moved his hand lower and I could feel it trembling lightly, pressed softly on my curves.

"Tell me to stop," he pleaded in a choked out whisper, possibly already feeling like this was about to be a big mistake. I cupped his face and shook my head before pulling him back into the kiss. 

"Please don't stop," I gasped in his mouth as he started grinding slowly into me. What the hell, mistakes were made to be made, right? San squeezed his eyes shut for a second before getting up, gently turning me on my back and spreading my legs. He kneeled between them and leaned down to continue kissing me. My brain was yelling at me that nothing has changed, that he was still mine and that he was never going to let go of me.

Each second dripped slow like honey, each kiss from him drawing me out more and more. San moved lower, pressing aching kisses all over my neck and raising my skin into a fit of goosebumps. My arms wrapped around his neck and my fingers dug into his hair, the softness of it reminding me of better times, of how it always flowed in the wind as we explored the city in the middle of the night. There was nothing more I could think of though, soon his hand reaching down into my underwear, but coming to a stop. He was just afraid as I were, yet it felt so right to be stuck in this moment together.

With a whimper I grabbed his wrist and pressed his fingers tight to my burning core, bucking my hips up and begging for more with just a drawn out, exhausted moan. In return, he moaned against my collarbone and started rubbing slow circles around my clit. The heartache was starting to vanish, he was so careful, so peaceful in his actions, that 'the scum of the earth' couldn't even begin to describe me. 

"I missed you so, so much," San whispered into my skin, deep inside my soul, letting his touch devour me whole. "I lied earlier," he continued, sliding his fingers softly now between my folds, as if refraining from hurting me. "I've always known you'd come back." With that, he pushed a finger in, grazing it ever so deliciously against the spot that would send me into a fit of shivers. 

"I couldn't stay away from you," I mumbled out between hitched breaths. I was starting to tremble under his hands, reaching down to feel him through the sweatpants he still had on, but he stopped me, devoting all of his attention into making me fall apart. Another finger joined the first one and I slammed down my hand into the mattress, clawing at his bedsheets and feeling my nails dig into my palms. 

My back arched towards him and he lifted his head, his glistening eyes meeting my gaze. While his face screamed in pain and agony, his fingers didn't stop moving, picking up a steady pace in pumping in and out of me. My head moved on its own and my heart fluttered as I stretched out my neck to find his lips. The kisses were now hungry, almost sloppy in my attempts to make up for lost time. 

We parted for a split second just so San could have his way and stare me down once again, making me feel just as vulnerable as he was in that moment. To my own surprise however, I didn't feel like hiding away anymore. I longed for his gaze on me, no longer wishing to disappear. 

"San, please..." 

He raised a brow, continuing to finger me as I felt the world slip from beneath me. 

"I need you inside me," I whispered with a raspy voice, the need for water also increasing with each passing second. 

"I- fuck, I can't baby," he uttered, slowing down his movements before eventually stopping and pulling his fingers out of me, earning himself a loud groan. 

"Did I do something wrong?" I asked and I could taste the regret forming on the tip of my tongue, all the fears starting to rush back. 

"No, god no... it's just- I don't have any condoms," San choked back, looking away ashamed for some reason. I couldn't help but pry as I got up and supported myself on my elbows. 

"Why don't you have any?" 

"Why would I need them?" he replied with a question of his own. For a second I couldn't put two and two together, but the realization came with the sound of my heart breaking into millions of pieces. All this time, while I told him I probably wouldn't come back, all this time he's waited for me. Tears started clouding my vision and I got up to my knees, cupping his face and forcing him to look at me. 

"Please? It doesn't matter, just- just pull out, I need you now, San-" 

My desperate whines were hushed by his lips slamming against mine, sweeping me into a frenzy as I grabbed at the waistband of his pants in an attempt to pull them off. San helped himself to taking off my underwear before coming further up on his knees, easily sliding out of his clothes. I bit my bottom lip and devoured him with my greedy gaze. He tugged at the hem of my t-shirt and I lifted my arms, soon followed by a soft thud of my head hitting the pillow. 

"You sure?" San asked again, hovering above me, his tip pressed expectantly at my entrance. 

"God yes, I've never been so sure in my life," I blurted out and quickly grabbed his hips, guiding him inside me. His head fell in the crook of my neck and a moan escaped his lips as he bottomed out. I wrapped my arms around him, trailing my fingers along his back, taking him in, taking in all the waves of pleasure and returning feelings too. 

Teeth grazing lightly over my shoulder, San began thrusting slowly, as if it were the first time he'd touched me. His hips coming to meet mine in his languid pace had me shaking underneath him. 

"Nae sarang... don't ever leave me again," he whispered through the soft moans. My heart melted and I wrapped myself tighter around him, arms, legs and my entire being now aching to pull him even closer, to feel the love so pure that never left. 

"Never again, I love you so much San," I murmured back, arching my back into him, pressing my chest painfully tight to his. San lifted me and pulled me into his lap, letting me take control. Looking down now at him, I saw my entire world. It felt just so fulfilling to be reminded of what I'd lost and found again. I started grinding on him, feeling him so much deeper inside, each rub against my spot sending my brain into overdrive. I placed my hands on either side of his face and pulled him into a kiss, my hair draping around us and brushing against our skin. 

San slowly swiped his thumb over my bottom lip and I took it in my mouth, swirling my tongue around it. With a sigh, he returned to kissing me deeply while his wet finger was back to rubbing my clit and pulling me closer to the point of no return. San's other hand gripped my back, making me feel as if there was no other place I should be but in his arms. Although we were revelling in the slow, passionate moments, I was racing against time, feeling my release creeping up on me. 

"Baby I'm... I- oh fuck..." I stuttered out, prompting San to buck up his hips ever so slightly. 

"You're killing me jagiya," he whispered and lightly nipped at the skin of my neck. The grip I had with my arms around him tightened, squeezing him desperately as I started twitching around him, blissfully closing my eyes, yet seeing nothing but his face. I murmured his name over and over again as I came down from my high, following it every time with a soft peck on his forehead. 

Letting me breathe, San pushed me off of him and with the last stroke of effort, I pulled him into a deep kiss, tears starting to sting my eyes. He stroked himself a few more times and soon came as well, whispering to me how much he loved me. We stayed wrapped in the kiss for what felt like an eternity before we parted and he made his way to the bathroom to clean himself up. 

I grabbed the t-shirt he'd discarded earlier and put it on, taking in the smell of his cologne, different from what he used to wear, but so welcome in my life now. I sank into the pillows and closed my eyes for a brief moment before a soft kiss to my nose brought me back to reality. The bed dipped as San laid down next to me and pulled me into a warm embrace. I snuggled up to him, nuzzling into his chest and letting out a deep sigh. 

The memories stopped mocking me, welcoming me with open arms. San's breathing was calm now even though I could feel his heart racing, while mine was also threatening to explode out of my chest. He brushed the hair away from my face and pressed gentle kisses to my forehead. 

"I was so tired too," San whispered and his fingers moved slowly on my back, caressing every last bit of pain away. 

"I can't believe I thought I'd be happy if I left," I began. I sank deeper into his embrace and sighed against his chest. My happiness was right here, I could now see it, and he'd always known it too. After all, he knew me better than I knew myself. 

"It was worth it, waiting for you." 

Tears rushed down our cheeks, of regret and happiness, fingers grazed warm skin, hungrily taking in what they deserved. In the dead of the night, the world revolved around us. Drifting off to sleep, I knew I'd never leave again. 


End file.
